sometimes its good to tell a joke

[mo elbo]

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy

 

[mo elbo]

Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity?
Alexander: I know – you do not have to pay for lightning

 

[kev2]

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats! -

 

[mo elbo]

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!" -

 

[Phyllo]

Two sharks swim in the sea when they spot a group of shipwrecked people.
Father shark tells his son: "Now, let's first swim around them once and only show one fin."
When they did, he says "And once more, now will showing our teeth."
When they came back again, he said "And now, let's gorge them."
After they did, the son asks "Why did we have to swim around them twice before we could gorge them?"
"Because they taste much better without the shit in them."

 

[mo elbo]

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies. -

 

[kev2]

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

 

[mo elbo]

Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, “SCREW THE CHILDREN!!” Michael Jackson’s face lights up and he shouts, “YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?

 

[mo elbo]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?” An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

 

[mo elbo]

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ” Hare Spray Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.

 

[mo elbo]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.” “Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. “How in hell does that fit in here?” So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry? The old man answers, Is name of owner.” The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?” “Me…is right here,” replies the old man. “You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?” “Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, Wh at your name? I say Sem Ting.”

 

[mo elbo]

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES – $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river. Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they ll serve any food on this cruise?” The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”

 

[Mia]

A dog on a plane

A man just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle sea next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to 'search’. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy.", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana. I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Gee, that's pretty good", replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!", said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat, and proceeded to poop on the seat!
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."

 

[FlyingFalcon]

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Cuatro cinco.

 

[mo elbo]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

 

[mo elbo]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

 

[mo elbo]

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: "Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".

 

[mo elbo]

Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?" Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."

 

[mo elbo]

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?
The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

 

[mo elbo]

A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"