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sometimes its good to tell a joke

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by mo elbo, 9 December 2016.

  1. A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

    The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

    The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

    The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."
     
  2. Dave

    Dave The Captain Administrator 150+ Star Club

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    A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie.

    “In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.”

    “I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says immediately.

    “Rule number one: No asking for more wishes.”

    The hiker considers his options before replying, “In that case, I want a million more genies.”
     
    Bali Hi, KingJJ, Phyllo and 5 others like this.
  3. Wikipedia: “I know everything”.
    Google: “I have everything”.
    Facebook: “I know everybody”.
    Internet: “Without me you’re nothing”.
    Electricity: “Keep talking, b*tches”.
     
    Jan0987, KingJJ, TeresaLisboa and 4 others like this.
  4. Robby Kusuma

    Robby Kusuma Well-Known Member

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    Husband in the bedroom and Wife in the kitchen.

    Wife: Honey could you check the bedroom lamps, because I think I forgot to turn them om.
    Husband: I dont know, because I cant see anything in here.
     
    rocky, Gt city and Dave like this.
  5. 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you
     
    Michael, Alini, rocky and 2 others like this.
  6. . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
     
    Barkmi4 (Mike), Alini, Kendra and 2 others like this.
  7. Blue Aero

    Blue Aero 350+ Star Club

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    11043212_442094735944110_1025092088442330343_n.jpg
     
  8. There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

    The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.

    She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''

    The doctor said ''$300''

    She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''

    He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''
     
    Bali Hi, Alini, rocky and 3 others like this.
  9. An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

    The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

    The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

    The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
     
  10. What do you give injured lemons? Lemonade
     
  11. There is a baseball park in Illinois that is serving what is called 'Baseball's Best Burger.' This is a giant burger. It's smothered in cheese, covered in bacon and served between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, and it doesn't stop there. For an extra 50 cents, you can actually have a cardiologist pop out and just punch you.
     
    BAR SOLE likes this.
  12. Mia

    Mia 150+ Star Club VIP Flyer

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    Catholic Lipstick

    According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.

    A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to thebathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

    Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

    ''There are teachers...... And then there are educators!"
     
    TeresaLisboa, Phyllo and Agent_L like this.
  13. Mia

    Mia 150+ Star Club VIP Flyer

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    Ballpoint pens:
    When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
    To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

    The Russians used a pencil.
     
  14. Agent_L

    Agent_L 350+ Star Club VIP Flyer Active Member

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    The joke is good, but reality is even better: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Pen#Uses_in_the_U.S._and_Russian_space_programs : )
     
    Jon Allen likes this.
  15. Mia

    Mia 150+ Star Club VIP Flyer

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  16. Mia

    Mia 150+ Star Club VIP Flyer

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    Control Tower - Mayday!
    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

    A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

    The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

    He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"

    The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

    "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

    He began his series of questions:

    Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

    Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.



     
    BAR SOLE, Gt city and Agent_L like this.
  17. Gt city

    Gt city Administrator 800+ Star Club Administrator Active Member

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    An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

    He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

    He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

    Holding the bucket up he said,
    'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
     
    TeresaLisboa, BAR SOLE and Mia like this.
  18. Gt city

    Gt city Administrator 800+ Star Club Administrator Active Member

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    A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
    At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
    He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
    The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “WOOOOOW, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
     
  19. A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!
     
    TeresaLisboa, Agent_L and rocky like this.
  20. Buying a BMW

    A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
     
    Alini, BAR SOLE, Agent_L and 2 others like this.

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